Continue reading Happy Marriage Formula Part III This will be my final part in this three part series.  Of course this series is not the do all says all road map to successful marriage but it marks the points which has been personally observed in many successful relationships.  In this series the importance of trust, love and loyalty was not included for the simple reason that those areas are implied for a happy marriage to exist and if a relationship lacks those characteristics than it is already doomed no matter what else happens.  For a quick refresher; in part one building fond memories and reminiscing about them together and making a point to smile and laugh a lot together were outlined.  In part two remembering dates that are special to one another and the idea of making each other most important were discussed.  Two more key points to a successful marriage will be discussed in this article.

When a person gets home from work what is one of the first things that come out of your spouses mouth?  How was your day?  Some of us are compelled to talk about everything in our day but the big focus is usually on the negatives.  It seems like we want to burden our partner with all of the problems of our day to day activities and once in awhile spruce it with something that was good or positive.  The extreme to this is the person that does not want to talk about their day at all.  Basically nothing happened whether it is positive or negative.  This will lead to another discussion on communication and will not be addressed here.  The point of this is to share positives with our partner but keep some burdens to your self.  Your partner does not need to be weighted down with all of the negative happening of your day and the weight that is on your shoulders.  Talking about some problems is great but does your spouse really need to know how you have to do others jobs for them and so and so can’t do things right and you have to do everything yourself?  Also our extended families, chores around the house, kids’ activities, etc can add some burdens to our lives.  Don’t complain to your partner about these things constantly; take care of those burdens yourself if possible.  Your spouse has their own set of burdens and you don’t want all of their problems being put on your shoulders either.  The point is we need to communicate and share things with one another but we don’t need to burden our partner with every bit of minutia that comes along.

Lastly and one of the most important parts of a marriage is to have really good sex.  This is rarely a problem in the beginning but as the years start piling on things can get stale, especially in the bedroom.  This is where the importance of experimenting and trying new things come into play.  At some point in the relationship there will come a time when one of the partners feels like there isn’t enough intimacy and starts to feel bitter about the other person holding out and seeming disinterested.  Other factors may lead to this but much of the time it can be cured by mixing things up, add spice to your bedroom and flirt with each other in ways to did at the beginning or better yet in ways that you have never done before.  No matter how conservative we may be marriages seem to be more fun and intimate when the boundaries of what we consider “normal” are broken.  Sometimes the experiment will not work out and that’s ok, because the newness and spontaneity of the act will lead to excitement that other new things will be tried and it will open our minds to things that we do find very enjoyable and fun.  You don’t always order vanilla ice cream so don’t make your bedroom vanilla.  Branch out and you’ll see that your intimate life will become more exciting.  For starters, share fantasies and make sure you are both comfortable with the stories and they are only meant to spice up your bedroom.  Remember, these are just fantasy and not necessarily things you/they have done.  Also try those sex games/books that you see at book stores.  Just to be clear, I would never suggest adding partners or anything along those lines which will only complicate things and will lead to divorce.  Keep it monogamous and marriage friendly.  For further reading on keeping things fresh read my article “Dating Your Spouse.”

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Over this three part series many key points were hit upon based on what has been observed in successful marriages.  Again, there are other factors involved but if marriages followed these simple steps then they would have a much better chance of being happy relationships instead of being stuck in the realm of ho-hum land.  Until next time, keep it exciting and fresh!

Continue reading Revealing Our Past You can’t help but read in many magazines on the topic of discussing your sexual past with your current partner.  Most, if not all of them, tell the reader that there is no need or reason to reveal your intimate history to your partner.  For the most part I disagree with them.  There are positives to revealing the extent of your prowess to your spouse.

Notice I said spouse and not partner in the last sentence.  Dating, unless deemed a common law marriage, follows a different set of disclosure rules and guidelines.  I do agree with the magazines and advice columnists that your date does not need to know your sexual past and it really serves little purpose.  The purpose comes later when knowing your partner inside and out helps you to become one…in marriage.

Communication is on top of the list for reasons of failed marriages.  Keeping secrets and hiding your past is a recipe for lack of communication no matter what excuse you want to staple to it.  What harm does revealing your past really pose to a marriage unless you lied about it in prior instances?  We’ve discovered that you can really smile with each other while talking about the past and we’ve even seen the added benefit of realizing things that each other really enjoys that we did not otherwise know.  Increasing your spouse’s enjoyment in bed plays a big role in a good marriage and discussing past practices can help discern what they really like and don’t like.  More importantly, discussing our pasts increases communication and builds trust in that we are willing to tell each other everything and anything.  To truly become one than this is an important factor.

I will throw a caveat into this and that is the time factor.  I’m not saying that following your wedding night you go out on your honeymoon and discuss your past sex habits.  I dated my spouse for about five years prior to marriage and we didn’t really get into the gusto of past sexual acts until we were married for a few years.  What we have done is to make it sort of a game.  While in bed, or sometimes when we get a sitter and go out for a few drinks, the subject of intimacy comes up.  We start by asking “well have you ever…” kind of questions and one thing leads to another and we each share a story.  If it is not a story about what we have done than it is one of a fantasy that we have had or currently have.  That is another key, sharing.  Don’t let the cats out of the bag all in one night but over a long period of time.  This shouldn’t be an interrogation but a give and take.  Before you get upset or jealous about what your spouse shares with you think of your own past and indiscretions and drop the ego that you’re their first experience in everything.  Share one or two things, get hot for each other and save another story for another time, maybe even weeks or months later.

By the time we get married we all have a sexual past, whether it is vast sexual experiences or various fantasies about past people in our lives.  Sharing will increase communication, trust and may even create additional fantasies and desires that you can share together.  I’m sure this article will be cause for disagreement.  As I’ve said before, this is just the opinion of my spouse and I and what has worked for us.