Continue reading Diet & Exercise As A Couple Couples that diet and exercise together get better results than trying to go at it alone. I recently entered a “Biggest Loser” competition at work. When my wife found out she decided that dieting and exercise was a good idea and since I was starting than it was a good time for her to start as well. Neither of us are obese, but most of us can stand to lose a few pounds and treat our bodies to a more balanced and healthier diet. I know, New Years and weight loss/exercising resolutions abound. Every year we mean to change things and every year we all join a gym and pay twelve months dues only to show up for two months. The great american way. This year try doing it together, not as
separate entities but truly together. Since both of us are trying to eat better, than our meals are always healthier and portion control is now carefully watched by the eyes across from the dinner table and your will power now has an assistant. That makes it much easier since you no longer have to just answer to yourself when you ask for thirds.

Somewhere I read that if both lovers are in agreement on dieting and exercise, than it has more of a chance of sticking. If only one person is dieting, it can lead to jealousy and contemt by the other person. It may not be an overt smack down fight but sooner or later the signs will start to show. The one not dieting will tend to try and sabatoge the others heathier mindset and workout routine. Meanwhile, the dieter will come across as having a “holier than thou” attitude and will seem to cast a shadow of guilt over the other person on how they eat and their lack of exercise. Although these accusations are probably not well grounded and is not meant to be mean spirited, the human intellect will plant the seed of discontent in your brain.

Get together and talk about living a healthier 2012. Focus on eating better together; focus on exercising together. If weights isn’t your thing, who cares. Join a place where you can swim together. Much of these clubs are now family friendly, so if need be you can bring the kids. Bike together, jog together, play tennis together, do something, just do it together. As we all have experienced, our lack of motivation will snowball into the end of your resolution. Motivate and encourage each other and work through the rough days. On the plus side, when we feel better about ourselves physically it shows and translates to body confidence and, more than likely, more intimacy with our partners. Happy New Year!

Continue reading Happy Marriage Formula Part III This will be my final part in this three part series.  Of course this series is not the do all says all road map to successful marriage but it marks the points which has been personally observed in many successful relationships.  In this series the importance of trust, love and loyalty was not included for the simple reason that those areas are implied for a happy marriage to exist and if a relationship lacks those characteristics than it is already doomed no matter what else happens.  For a quick refresher; in part one building fond memories and reminiscing about them together and making a point to smile and laugh a lot together were outlined.  In part two remembering dates that are special to one another and the idea of making each other most important were discussed.  Two more key points to a successful marriage will be discussed in this article.

When a person gets home from work what is one of the first things that come out of your spouses mouth?  How was your day?  Some of us are compelled to talk about everything in our day but the big focus is usually on the negatives.  It seems like we want to burden our partner with all of the problems of our day to day activities and once in awhile spruce it with something that was good or positive.  The extreme to this is the person that does not want to talk about their day at all.  Basically nothing happened whether it is positive or negative.  This will lead to another discussion on communication and will not be addressed here.  The point of this is to share positives with our partner but keep some burdens to your self.  Your partner does not need to be weighted down with all of the negative happening of your day and the weight that is on your shoulders.  Talking about some problems is great but does your spouse really need to know how you have to do others jobs for them and so and so can’t do things right and you have to do everything yourself?  Also our extended families, chores around the house, kids’ activities, etc can add some burdens to our lives.  Don’t complain to your partner about these things constantly; take care of those burdens yourself if possible.  Your spouse has their own set of burdens and you don’t want all of their problems being put on your shoulders either.  The point is we need to communicate and share things with one another but we don’t need to burden our partner with every bit of minutia that comes along.

Lastly and one of the most important parts of a marriage is to have really good sex.  This is rarely a problem in the beginning but as the years start piling on things can get stale, especially in the bedroom.  This is where the importance of experimenting and trying new things come into play.  At some point in the relationship there will come a time when one of the partners feels like there isn’t enough intimacy and starts to feel bitter about the other person holding out and seeming disinterested.  Other factors may lead to this but much of the time it can be cured by mixing things up, add spice to your bedroom and flirt with each other in ways to did at the beginning or better yet in ways that you have never done before.  No matter how conservative we may be marriages seem to be more fun and intimate when the boundaries of what we consider “normal” are broken.  Sometimes the experiment will not work out and that’s ok, because the newness and spontaneity of the act will lead to excitement that other new things will be tried and it will open our minds to things that we do find very enjoyable and fun.  You don’t always order vanilla ice cream so don’t make your bedroom vanilla.  Branch out and you’ll see that your intimate life will become more exciting.  For starters, share fantasies and make sure you are both comfortable with the stories and they are only meant to spice up your bedroom.  Remember, these are just fantasy and not necessarily things you/they have done.  Also try those sex games/books that you see at book stores.  Just to be clear, I would never suggest adding partners or anything along those lines which will only complicate things and will lead to divorce.  Keep it monogamous and marriage friendly.  For further reading on keeping things fresh read my article “Dating Your Spouse.”

Read this outstanding author featured on Oprah to increase intimacy & passion.

100 Great Sex Games For Couples

These two books are for making your partner more satisfied in bed!!! 

Lick By Lick               Blow By Blow

Read this outstanding book to find everyday household items to spice up your sex life.

Sex All Around The House

Over this three part series many key points were hit upon based on what has been observed in successful marriages.  Again, there are other factors involved but if marriages followed these simple steps then they would have a much better chance of being happy relationships instead of being stuck in the realm of ho-hum land.  Until next time, keep it exciting and fresh!

Continue reading Happy Marriage Formula Part II This is a continuation of what makes a happy marriage.  In part I we covered building fond memories and reminiscing about them together.  Also covered in part one was making a point to smile and laugh a lot together.  The world is a serious place, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be loose and have fun.  So is that it?  Of course not, there are many factors that lead to your dream marriage and we will cover a couple more of them in this chapter.  The following, along with part I, is what we’ve found makes couples happy together.  Remember, these are not all inclusive points and these things are not what will make every marriage a happy one.  These are simply observations we have made concerning the traits of happy couples, pieces of a puzzle. 

Question, what impresses most women and makes them gaga and gets guys ‘lucky’ that particular day?  What impresses men and makes them feel good and loved even though they are too stubborn to admit that they like it?  Answer, when we remember dates that is special to one another and we go out of our way in order to make that date special for the other person.  We all know that women love this; you see it everyday on one talk show or another or by listening to women talk about who forgot what and how sweet someone remembered something, but men like it as well.  For instance, I like that my spouse thinks of our relationship so highly that she wants to celebrate every miles stone that the relationship gods have to offer.  My wife is impressed that I can remember the exact date, place, time and what we had to drink on our first official date thirteen+ special years ago.  She also loves the fact that I treat that date as an anniversary every year and make her feel extra special in my life.  The point is that we all have times that we cherish together and we should feel good about the special dates in our lives and celebrate those days with fond memories and laughs.  When we forget about the special dates and/or no longer celebrate those days we risk the perception that we no longer care or cherish the special times that our relationship has represented over the passage of time.

50 Secrets Of Blissful Relationships

There are many times where the day ends and couples adjourn to their separate places in the home to do whatever it is that they feel like doing.  This is fine and we all need our alone time here and there.  The problem is that once we make this a routine we forget about the needs of the other person and it no longer becomes a we household but a ‘what do I want/need’ household.  Other times couples get caught up going out too much or hanging out with friends all of the time.  While these acts alone and/or in moderation are healthy getting into a routine of not emphasizing the importance of your spouse is not healthy.  The key point here is to make each other most important.  This can be accomplished quite simply by asking yourself “what would make my husband/wife happy right now”.  This is putting your spouse ahead of your favorite television show or the computer or your friend at the Pub.  This is contingent on paying attention to your spouses feelings and recognizing the signs that they need you right now, whether it be someone to talk to in order to blow off steam or just to sit next to and hold hands while watching a movie even though it is your night to go out with friends.  No matter how put off you may feel look at your spouse and recognize their need for you and make them the most important person in your life.  Life and especially marriage is not always about you…the quicker you realize this the happier your life and your marriage will be. 

There you have it.  Two more brief examples of what I’ve seen looking at happily married couples.  Just a side note here, the couples that I profile are young and old alike.  These traits on not age specific but they are specific in generating a loving and happy relationship from onset to sunset.  Until next time, grab some popcorn and start the DVR. 

Continue reading Happy Marriage Formula Part. 1 What are the ingredients to a happy and successful marriage?  This question is probably the number one question asked by couples of all time.  The problem is there is no secret and clear cut formula, we are not robots.  Everyone has an idea of the perfect relationship whether it is for companionship, status, true love or convenience.  If you think some of these are odd reasons to be married consider celebrity marriages and you can just imagine that some of these are not born of true love.  Although there is no easy to follow formula there are some common themes to happily married couples.  The happy marriage I’ll be talking about is the one us average folks envision when we meet someone we love.  Whenever we hear happy couples talk whether it is on T.V., read it in the paper or magazines or know some personally, take note.  Some of the traits that happy couples exhibit can be mimicked and learned upon if you’d just pay attention.  I’ll separate this article in sections as to keep them readable.

Bill Cosby quote “”The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.”  Think about the times you have when you get together with your best friend(s) and sit around and talk.  This conversation, more times than not, involves laughter and reminiscing about past good times you had together.  Well considering your spouse should also be your best friend, spend time with them talking about the good times that you have had together.  This reminds us how close we have become and how good times can create strong bonds.  This reminds us that no matter how stagnant the relationship is, that it can be fun and filled with good memories and laughter. 

This leads us right into the next important ingredient, smiling and laughter.  Try thinking of something that makes you smile and laugh when you’re having a bad day.  It helps bring the day into perspective and helps to turn your current attitude around doesn’t it?  The same holds true in marriage.  Smile and laugh a lot together.  Sometimes when my day is just ho-hum I look at my wife and make her smile somehow.  Just seeing her smile turns my day around and makes me happy.  I really don’t understand how two people live together and are happy without smiles and laughter.  Go out of your way to compliment your spouse and you’ll inevitably see a smile.  This smile is good for both of you and makes the two of you feel good inside as well as promoting a caring relationship.  I’d even go so far as to make it your goal to do at least one nice deed for your spouse everyday, it doesn’t have to be huge just nice and unexpected.  This could be as menial as doing the dishes or taking out the trash if that is one of the chores your spouse usually handles.  They will thank you for it and it will make you feel good at the same time.  Besides deep love and intimate contact laughter and making each other smile ranks up at the tops of my list as must haves for any relationship.

I’ll end this section with a true example.  My parents are happily married and I think they did a pretty good job raising us.  One thing that I’ve noticed is that they have ‘Happy Hour’ just about everyday.  This is like clockwork, almost everyday at four my dad makes a Manhattan and he pours my mom a glass of wine.  He then proceeds to cut up some cheese and puts them on a plate with some crackers.  They then sit at the kitchen table without a television or radio and just talk.  The cool thing is that when they are talking they talk about things that make them laugh.  They never bring up things that can lead to arguments or sighs of frustrations.  They really enjoy this time together and they welcome us and whoever else wants to stop by to join in because they know that will only lead to more laughter and smiles.  Recently I’ve added this tidbit to our routine and involved the kids.  Not only do they enjoy the cheese and soda/juice but if you really want to laugh implement the kids in this routine…trust me, they can create some real side splitters.  Until part II, keep the lip corners pointed up!!!

Continue reading Stay At Home Mom Being a stay at home mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world.  I realize what my wife does when I’m home all day and see what goes on.  I often ask her how she does it and how she hasn’t lost her sanity yet.  There are many stay at home moms but how many are actually happy?  I asked my wife what she does that makes her so happy because I know that she would love to be back out in the business world.  These are lessons from my wife.

Have adult interaction on a regular basis.  Talking on the phone to your friends is great but see them in person if possible.  At the very least, small conversations can be therapeutic.  Also, call your spouse once or twice a day and every once in awhile talk dirty to them, it helps keep the spice in your life and keeps the marriage fresh.  Set up play dates with other mothers so the kids can play and you can converse.  If that can’t happen much walk through the mall sans kids just so you can be around other adults.  My wife actually likes to grocery shop without the kids.  Your spouse should can watch the kids when they get home sometimes so you can go out and do things by yourself.  When you do have to go out with the kids make sure you have an ipod or something with songs that you like.  It’s okay to play kids music from time to time because its fun hearing them sing but giving them toys to play with in the car while you listen to your own music is even better.

Teach the kids what mom time is and take a few minutes throughout the day to enact it.  The kids will learn to respect your time (somewhat).  Mom time can also be shower time for you; my wife tells me she does her best thinking there.  During kid time act goofy and play like them sometimes, they’ll love it and the laughter will be awesome.  Another activity the kids actually like is moving the furniture around.  This teaches them input and possibly some style.  Either way, they enjoy it and it mixes things up a bit.

Get away from constant children activities.  Even though they take up most of your time, go to bed a little earlier so you can get up earlier to do things.  My wife likes to get up and exercise everyday.  It helps her focus, gets the blood flowing and makes her happy because that’s what she likes to do.  Having younger children, she usually has an hour or two mid days during naptime as well.  This is the time she uses to surf the internet, read the paper/magazine, and watch what she wants to watch without it being a cartoon.  All the other shows she likes and misses gets DVR’d until the kids’ bedtime.

Unless there is a spill, there is no sense in cleaning up every little mess throughout the day.  First, teach kids how and where to put things away.  When you clean up find a time to do it once.  Have the kids clean up with you so they understand responsibility.  While we are on responsibility, let your kids pick out their own clothes to wear, especially if you’re not going out anywhere special.  This gives you the chance to watch them express themselves and sit back and smile at their creativity.

Even though my wife would like to return to paycheck world she values what she does and has never regretted her decision to be a stay at home mom.  Kids are only kids for a short period of time.  Relax, enjoy playing with them, teaching them and watching them just be kids.  Most importantly, smile and laugh every chance you get.

Continue reading Revealing Our Past You can’t help but read in many magazines on the topic of discussing your sexual past with your current partner.  Most, if not all of them, tell the reader that there is no need or reason to reveal your intimate history to your partner.  For the most part I disagree with them.  There are positives to revealing the extent of your prowess to your spouse.

Notice I said spouse and not partner in the last sentence.  Dating, unless deemed a common law marriage, follows a different set of disclosure rules and guidelines.  I do agree with the magazines and advice columnists that your date does not need to know your sexual past and it really serves little purpose.  The purpose comes later when knowing your partner inside and out helps you to become one…in marriage.

Communication is on top of the list for reasons of failed marriages.  Keeping secrets and hiding your past is a recipe for lack of communication no matter what excuse you want to staple to it.  What harm does revealing your past really pose to a marriage unless you lied about it in prior instances?  We’ve discovered that you can really smile with each other while talking about the past and we’ve even seen the added benefit of realizing things that each other really enjoys that we did not otherwise know.  Increasing your spouse’s enjoyment in bed plays a big role in a good marriage and discussing past practices can help discern what they really like and don’t like.  More importantly, discussing our pasts increases communication and builds trust in that we are willing to tell each other everything and anything.  To truly become one than this is an important factor.

I will throw a caveat into this and that is the time factor.  I’m not saying that following your wedding night you go out on your honeymoon and discuss your past sex habits.  I dated my spouse for about five years prior to marriage and we didn’t really get into the gusto of past sexual acts until we were married for a few years.  What we have done is to make it sort of a game.  While in bed, or sometimes when we get a sitter and go out for a few drinks, the subject of intimacy comes up.  We start by asking “well have you ever…” kind of questions and one thing leads to another and we each share a story.  If it is not a story about what we have done than it is one of a fantasy that we have had or currently have.  That is another key, sharing.  Don’t let the cats out of the bag all in one night but over a long period of time.  This shouldn’t be an interrogation but a give and take.  Before you get upset or jealous about what your spouse shares with you think of your own past and indiscretions and drop the ego that you’re their first experience in everything.  Share one or two things, get hot for each other and save another story for another time, maybe even weeks or months later.

By the time we get married we all have a sexual past, whether it is vast sexual experiences or various fantasies about past people in our lives.  Sharing will increase communication, trust and may even create additional fantasies and desires that you can share together.  I’m sure this article will be cause for disagreement.  As I’ve said before, this is just the opinion of my spouse and I and what has worked for us.

Continue reading Working Out and Intimacy Many experts and doctors believe that couples that work out and exercise have more frequent and better intimate encounters with each other.  Most of my readers could vouch for that in their households and it seemed especially true when they worked out together.  That got me to wonder if this phenomenon goes back to the sweat dripping bodies dispensing hormones and awakening our inner beast or do we just feel better about our bodies which causes us to be more uninhibited and sexual.  That thought forced me to pose the question, is the exercise and intimacy connection a physical attribute or a mental process?  Just like most things I believe it is a mixture of both attributes.

When we work out, physically our bodies are in better shape.  Blood flows better, we feel better and most importantly, we get an influx of energy that seems to last much longer than when we are sedentary.  Think about the following statement for a minute and see if it sounds true about your life.  When we are relatively sedentary we get home from work or we spend all day with the kids and when everything seems to finally settle down at night what happens?  Right, we don’t want to do anything but to go to sleep or to just lay and not be bothered, especially by our sex craving spouse.  When we exercise and work out we have a propensity to be more energetic throughout the day.  When we exercise regularly our bodies are not as tired and we have more stamina.  Adding all these factors together means that we are more apt to want to spend the night hours performing intimate exercises with our spouses instead of just lounging out on the coach and ignoring our time alone together.  Of course it is ok to want to relax from time to time as well; I’m talking about those relationships where neither exercise nor intimacy has much of an existence.

Mentally, exercising makes us feel better about ourselves.  We become confident and more willing to show others how great our bodies are.  There is more blood flow into the brain for better thought and we become more in love with ourselves.  I’m not talking about the egotistical pompous self love but a healthy respect for our own bodies.  With this confidence and self respect we smile more and make others around us feel better.  I think that this comfort level with our bodies increases our inner sexiness and we just fall in love with making love.  And like with many things, the more you do it and enjoy it the more you want to do it and enjoy it.  Human naturally like to feel good!!!

We all know that exercising is good for your health but it has other benefits as well.  More exercising and better health means more intimate times with our special loved one which in turn creates a happier marriage for both of you.  After all, sex and intimacy plays a major role in long and happy marriages.  I don’t know of too many couples who are happily married for a long time who are not regularly intimate with one another.

People [...]

Continue reading Marriage & Finances Money figures into the downfall of many marriages.  If it doesn’t cause the complete demise, it at least hampers the trust factor to a point where living together becomes more of a convenience then actual love.  More specifically, what are the major financial problems that couples have and how do we overcome them?

People do not know how to budget properly:  This is a fact, people think that they can run the numbers in their heads, ballpark the figures, payoff the bills and spend whatever else is left.  The reality is the bills are always higher than you think, you always miss some of the bills, and you always spend more discretionary money than you actually have.  What all this causes is mistrust and discontent that your spouse is somehow spending all of the money behind your back and is causing the financial hardships in the household.

The solution to this is simple.  Prepare a proper budget and stick with it.  It is a very simple concept really.  Some colleges and other agencies actually help you prepare a budget for free or at a very minimal cost.  What we like is the software that is on your home computer so that both of you can sit down and go over everything together with a fine tooth comb and not feel like your disclosing all of your personal money matters to a complete stranger.  There are free programs on the internet but I’d actually prefer programs like Quicken or the like.  Sure, maybe I pay a bit of a premium for the name recognition but I know it works and I know I can get help if I need it.  The key is that the software is on the computer, bills from the bank account and other things can automatically be deducted from the software and you can go in and look at how the budget is progressing throughout the month.  Keep in mind that you will be shocked at the way money is flowing when you first stick to a budget.  You are going to find a lot of areas where the both of you can save money. 

Bank accounts need to be addressed as well.  I’ll tell you how we do it and it has worked for us for a long time but find something that works for you.  We both have our separate savings accounts.  Neither one of us knows what is in the other’s account nor does it matter, that money can be spent as we see fit.  As a side note we also have a retirement account which I am not including in this right now because it is funded more or less by my employer.  Now we have a joint checking account where all of our bills, groceries, parenting supplies, kids’ supplies, etc. come out of.  What we do is we figured out what we needed each month (by budgeting) added a 3-5% and that’s what we put into the account from our savings accounts.  Based on the size of our salaries we figured out a fair amount that each of us contributes each month to the checking account.  This not only pays the bills and creates a little money buffer but it also shows how fair and dedicated we both are to the important things in life

The bottom line is that there are steps in avoiding financial marriage crises.  What I have told you has worked for us and we do not have financial warfare in our house even though we are strapped from time to time.  The largest obstacle, which for one reason or another most families fail to do, is to properly prepare a budget.  Fix that and half of the battle is already over.

Continue reading Special Kid Time Everyone likes to go on trips and do activities as a family.  It is usually fun and builds strong family memories.  Although this is very important we must also realize that good parenting depends on building strong bonds with each individual child as well.  This not only establishes trust but it also creates unbreakable bonds between a parent and their child.  The key first step is trying to figure out what each child likes to do with you.

Every child has their thing that they love to do with you and a parent can usually tell what it is just by watching what happens when you try to do that activity with them and the other children (or spouse) want in too.  Usually it turns into a fit of some sort.  Now if you have an only child figuring this all out may be easier.  Before we started having kids year after year, I pretty much new what our child like to do with me and which activities he liked to do with my spouse.  Of course as your children grow older their activities evolve, but take solace in the fact that there is always something that your child likes to do with just you…after all, it’s your time together.  Just remember, try and get them at an early age because then when they start growing they will progress to other activities with you naturally and they won’t feel uncomfortable or ‘weird’ about doing things with you like teenagers tend to feel and act.

As important as it is for you to find something you and your child can relate too is the importance of having a spouse that doesn’t get jealous or snippy about it.  It is bad enough to have other children biding for time, we definitely don’t need our spouse upset about leaving them out of something.  Your spouse must be made aware of the significance of individual activities and time with each child.  I’m sure in the reasoning process an example or two can be brought up of how they have their time as well, even if they don’t realize it yet.

The main point of this is to not only find time for your children, but to find time for each individual child.  In today’s hustle and bustle world we tend to glob everyone and everything together; this is not always a good thing.  If you take the time to build individual bonds you will find that you will have a stronger love, respect and mutual admiration for each other for the rest of your lives. 

Continue reading Keeping Personal Time Sacred On the heels of our ‘Dating Your Spouse’ article I would now like to talk about another important time management point for married and partnered couples.  And that is, having time set aside for what YOU want to do.  For example, my wife works out for an hour with her friends at the gym every Monday and soon to be every Wednesday.  I’m looking into getting into a golf league once a week and also about once a month I spend time at a watering hole with ‘the boys’.  During this time the spouse that stays home makes all the dinner, does the clean up and bedtimes and basically handles all the chores that are otherwise shared or handled by your spouse.  This will not only make your spouse happy but it will make you realize all of the little things that get done without your help.  This helps to create an additional appreciation for your spouse which in turn creates a healthier marriage. 

Now why is having special time with your friends all that important?  I’m not a psychologist but I’d have to think that it’s very significant that we all realize that there is life outside of our families and relationships.  As a society we must come to the realization that it is okay for us to let our hair down and have fun with our friends without the worry and guilt of what going on at home.  We must appreciate that as much as we want our spouse to spend time at home and work around the house that it will be a much better atmosphere if we can rid ourselves of the constant stuffiness of thinking that we have to be at home all the time.  Of course our family comes first and foremost, but if we don’t take care of our own needs from time to time the stress and rigor of life will cause discontent, regret and perhaps and early demise.

We all need our freedoms, no matter how short and/or small they may seem.  We all need a release and a time away from our family, plus I think that this time away helps us think of what we have waiting for us at home and how much they mean to us.  Do yourself a favor and find a hobby or something fun to do.  I suggest doing it with other adults but if you prefer solo time than that is okay too.  Here’s one caveat, do NOT make your alone time a place that your family can walk to like a shed, detached garage, barn, etc.  It’s important to get away so that there is no chance that your special time gets interrupted and that it remains intact.  Also, make sure you understand that your spouse needs this time as well and not just you because you think that you work harder or that you need it more.  This personal time will help keep your relationship strong and fresh and stop it from getting into a rut in the first place.  After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?