Continue reading Happy Marriage Formula Part. 1 What are the ingredients to a happy and successful marriage?  This question is probably the number one question asked by couples of all time.  The problem is there is no secret and clear cut formula, we are not robots.  Everyone has an idea of the perfect relationship whether it is for companionship, status, true love or convenience.  If you think some of these are odd reasons to be married consider celebrity marriages and you can just imagine that some of these are not born of true love.  Although there is no easy to follow formula there are some common themes to happily married couples.  The happy marriage I’ll be talking about is the one us average folks envision when we meet someone we love.  Whenever we hear happy couples talk whether it is on T.V., read it in the paper or magazines or know some personally, take note.  Some of the traits that happy couples exhibit can be mimicked and learned upon if you’d just pay attention.  I’ll separate this article in sections as to keep them readable.

Bill Cosby quote “”The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.”  Think about the times you have when you get together with your best friend(s) and sit around and talk.  This conversation, more times than not, involves laughter and reminiscing about past good times you had together.  Well considering your spouse should also be your best friend, spend time with them talking about the good times that you have had together.  This reminds us how close we have become and how good times can create strong bonds.  This reminds us that no matter how stagnant the relationship is, that it can be fun and filled with good memories and laughter. 

This leads us right into the next important ingredient, smiling and laughter.  Try thinking of something that makes you smile and laugh when you’re having a bad day.  It helps bring the day into perspective and helps to turn your current attitude around doesn’t it?  The same holds true in marriage.  Smile and laugh a lot together.  Sometimes when my day is just ho-hum I look at my wife and make her smile somehow.  Just seeing her smile turns my day around and makes me happy.  I really don’t understand how two people live together and are happy without smiles and laughter.  Go out of your way to compliment your spouse and you’ll inevitably see a smile.  This smile is good for both of you and makes the two of you feel good inside as well as promoting a caring relationship.  I’d even go so far as to make it your goal to do at least one nice deed for your spouse everyday, it doesn’t have to be huge just nice and unexpected.  This could be as menial as doing the dishes or taking out the trash if that is one of the chores your spouse usually handles.  They will thank you for it and it will make you feel good at the same time.  Besides deep love and intimate contact laughter and making each other smile ranks up at the tops of my list as must haves for any relationship.

I’ll end this section with a true example.  My parents are happily married and I think they did a pretty good job raising us.  One thing that I’ve noticed is that they have ‘Happy Hour’ just about everyday.  This is like clockwork, almost everyday at four my dad makes a Manhattan and he pours my mom a glass of wine.  He then proceeds to cut up some cheese and puts them on a plate with some crackers.  They then sit at the kitchen table without a television or radio and just talk.  The cool thing is that when they are talking they talk about things that make them laugh.  They never bring up things that can lead to arguments or sighs of frustrations.  They really enjoy this time together and they welcome us and whoever else wants to stop by to join in because they know that will only lead to more laughter and smiles.  Recently I’ve added this tidbit to our routine and involved the kids.  Not only do they enjoy the cheese and soda/juice but if you really want to laugh implement the kids in this routine…trust me, they can create some real side splitters.  Until part II, keep the lip corners pointed up!!!

Continue reading Stay At Home Mom Being a stay at home mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world.  I realize what my wife does when I’m home all day and see what goes on.  I often ask her how she does it and how she hasn’t lost her sanity yet.  There are many stay at home moms but how many are actually happy?  I asked my wife what she does that makes her so happy because I know that she would love to be back out in the business world.  These are lessons from my wife.

Have adult interaction on a regular basis.  Talking on the phone to your friends is great but see them in person if possible.  At the very least, small conversations can be therapeutic.  Also, call your spouse once or twice a day and every once in awhile talk dirty to them, it helps keep the spice in your life and keeps the marriage fresh.  Set up play dates with other mothers so the kids can play and you can converse.  If that can’t happen much walk through the mall sans kids just so you can be around other adults.  My wife actually likes to grocery shop without the kids.  Your spouse should can watch the kids when they get home sometimes so you can go out and do things by yourself.  When you do have to go out with the kids make sure you have an ipod or something with songs that you like.  It’s okay to play kids music from time to time because its fun hearing them sing but giving them toys to play with in the car while you listen to your own music is even better.

Teach the kids what mom time is and take a few minutes throughout the day to enact it.  The kids will learn to respect your time (somewhat).  Mom time can also be shower time for you; my wife tells me she does her best thinking there.  During kid time act goofy and play like them sometimes, they’ll love it and the laughter will be awesome.  Another activity the kids actually like is moving the furniture around.  This teaches them input and possibly some style.  Either way, they enjoy it and it mixes things up a bit.

Get away from constant children activities.  Even though they take up most of your time, go to bed a little earlier so you can get up earlier to do things.  My wife likes to get up and exercise everyday.  It helps her focus, gets the blood flowing and makes her happy because that’s what she likes to do.  Having younger children, she usually has an hour or two mid days during naptime as well.  This is the time she uses to surf the internet, read the paper/magazine, and watch what she wants to watch without it being a cartoon.  All the other shows she likes and misses gets DVR’d until the kids’ bedtime.

Unless there is a spill, there is no sense in cleaning up every little mess throughout the day.  First, teach kids how and where to put things away.  When you clean up find a time to do it once.  Have the kids clean up with you so they understand responsibility.  While we are on responsibility, let your kids pick out their own clothes to wear, especially if you’re not going out anywhere special.  This gives you the chance to watch them express themselves and sit back and smile at their creativity.

Even though my wife would like to return to paycheck world she values what she does and has never regretted her decision to be a stay at home mom.  Kids are only kids for a short period of time.  Relax, enjoy playing with them, teaching them and watching them just be kids.  Most importantly, smile and laugh every chance you get.

Continue reading Keeping Personal Time Sacred On the heels of our ‘Dating Your Spouse’ article I would now like to talk about another important time management point for married and partnered couples.  And that is, having time set aside for what YOU want to do.  For example, my wife works out for an hour with her friends at the gym every Monday and soon to be every Wednesday.  I’m looking into getting into a golf league once a week and also about once a month I spend time at a watering hole with ‘the boys’.  During this time the spouse that stays home makes all the dinner, does the clean up and bedtimes and basically handles all the chores that are otherwise shared or handled by your spouse.  This will not only make your spouse happy but it will make you realize all of the little things that get done without your help.  This helps to create an additional appreciation for your spouse which in turn creates a healthier marriage. 

Now why is having special time with your friends all that important?  I’m not a psychologist but I’d have to think that it’s very significant that we all realize that there is life outside of our families and relationships.  As a society we must come to the realization that it is okay for us to let our hair down and have fun with our friends without the worry and guilt of what going on at home.  We must appreciate that as much as we want our spouse to spend time at home and work around the house that it will be a much better atmosphere if we can rid ourselves of the constant stuffiness of thinking that we have to be at home all the time.  Of course our family comes first and foremost, but if we don’t take care of our own needs from time to time the stress and rigor of life will cause discontent, regret and perhaps and early demise.

We all need our freedoms, no matter how short and/or small they may seem.  We all need a release and a time away from our family, plus I think that this time away helps us think of what we have waiting for us at home and how much they mean to us.  Do yourself a favor and find a hobby or something fun to do.  I suggest doing it with other adults but if you prefer solo time than that is okay too.  Here’s one caveat, do NOT make your alone time a place that your family can walk to like a shed, detached garage, barn, etc.  It’s important to get away so that there is no chance that your special time gets interrupted and that it remains intact.  Also, make sure you understand that your spouse needs this time as well and not just you because you think that you work harder or that you need it more.  This personal time will help keep your relationship strong and fresh and stop it from getting into a rut in the first place.  After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Continue reading Dating Your Spouse

One of the biggest questions about marriage is “How do we keep things fresh so we don’t get bored with each other?”  My answer to this is, go out on a date!!!  I’m not talking about a nice evening at Chucky Cheeses with the kids; I’m talking about a real date with flowers, wine and heck, maybe even a limo from time to time.  Now this would be a big date but in between big dates we need to go on a series of small dates.  This would entail getting a sitter for the kid(s) and going out to the movies, dinner, a few drinks at the local pub or just going for a nice bike ride to places that you normally don’t go.  The one thing about having children is that it’s very easy to get stuck into a routine and not do anything for each other because you don’t think you have the time.  And if you find the time then you don’t have the energy.  Well not having the time or energy is a poor excuse for not keeping a marriage fresh and fun.

From a personal perspective I can tell you that I have four children under seven years old and I am the only salary employee in the house.  In other words, we live paycheck to paycheck.  What makes our marriage a good one is that we find time for each other.  We don’t go out on dates all the time, sometimes it’s only once in a month but we both look forward to that time together because we plan it ahead of time and stick to it.  At times we do get to go out alone together more often and we are currently working on that prospect but we are taking it slow for now and not promising ourselves too much.  Basically, we want to keep it fresh and doable.  We can always tell when we need a date, things just get a little too tense in the house over the smallest of things.

For those of you that have family nearby (that’s not our situation) you have even better, and cheaper, options.  Not only can you save money on a few hours going out but now you can graduate to going out for dinner and having a romantic evening in a nice hotel.  Once you get really into this dating theme and realize how much better it makes your relationship, you’ll soon find yourselves taking short weekend trips and creating many lasting memories and laughs together.  Remember, find the time for each other, go to different places and talk/laugh a lot together when you’re out.  Your affection for each other is contagious and will help to carry both of you through until the next date together.